Insomnia becomes me right now. For some reason over the last week I have been plagued with little to no sleep. Part of this is from being so sick and the other part is the eagerness to hit this year mark. Not that hitting a anniversary is something I want, but the closer you get to it the more you want it to go away and be done and over with.
It is hard not to live around the dates. The dates have defined me this year and to be honest since I lost my Dad. Adding in another anniversary is a challenge, but the hardest part is this event was 22 days long, so there is an anniversary for almost a month. Milestones and memories shared within that time. I can still remember what was happening on specific days…no thanks or thanks to this blog. I am glad I have this to look back on, but man is it a constant reminder of how different the outcome was.
I had a conversation with a friend who has experienced her own grief and loss. A tragedy alike in many ways. We both can relate to the deep pain of losing someone as well as losing someone after a time of waiting. A hospital stint and loved ones and a community praying that our loved ones would be healed and walk away from this event. The conversation my friend and I shared had a lot to do with being let down. Like someone popping your balloon…but that someone was God. We both can agree we love the Lord, we trust in Him and know that His love endures forever. We aren’t second guessing God’s will in all of it. We both can relate to how much faith we both had and were so faithful to believe that the healing of our loved ones would come in the form of them living and showing the world that God heals, miracles happen and they would both walk away as if nothing happened. I am imagining the biggest balloon with the loudest bang right now and the trail and deflated balloon lying at my feet. That feeling stays with me, with her as well.
I feel like I am almost too afraid to step out and have that much faith again. I want to fly under the radar for a while as if I can control life events and the will of God and the outcome of all of my loved ones. As if my faith had something to do with the events that took place. I know that sounds insane, but I can’t help but feel like I never want to feel that much pain again. The pain of losing Whitney was very hard, but the pain of my prayers not being answered the way I wanted and everything I put into her healing here on earth was such a bigger loss and a deeper pain then I can describe.
I came to know Christ as a child, but rededicated my life to him when I was in 8th grade. Then our church hired a new youth pastor and for the next 4 years this husband and wife opened my eyes to a faith I had never seen and I had seen God like never before. I went to a very quiet Baptist church growing up and the ratio of young and old wasn’t equal, most of the church consisted of older people and church was a Sunday, Wednesday night thing. It never reached much past those walls, until I rededicated my life to Christ and had dedicated followers showing me a faith I had never seen before. I become so radical in my faith, witnessing and making it more about the whole week, rather than a Sunday and Wednesday thing. It changed my life. I continued to grow through out those years and then moved to a different church, a church focused on outreach, went on many mission trips, taught children, led worship…this went on for years and years, well into my family years.
I gave up serving in Ministry when my dad was diagnosed with cancer. I had been a Women’s Ministry Director and was highly involved in the church and in outreach. It was my life. Being hit with this reality and being pregnant at the time with Eli made it difficult to be committed to the ministry. We knew it was only God’s timing, due to some other events happening at the same time in this church, so it was a good Segway.
The next year was hard, but I grew close with my dad. We would visit him on Thursdays and Sundays so he had time to be with his grand kids. I also helped Whitney who had become like a caregiver to him during those last months when Mom was at work. She had been out of school, just graduated. I would do whatever my dad asked and as OCD as he was he knew I would make that sandwich exactly the way he wanted. Because we were there so often the progression of his illness didn’t become noticeable until about 2 months before he passed and then it was like he faded within a couple weeks. I don’t really know why I am saying all of this. What I am leading up to is that his death wasn’t a shock, I knew where he was going, there was a point where my prayers for his miraculous healing stopped, rather shifted to prayers for a painless departure and that he was at peace. I prayed that he would have closure where he needed it before he died. Once my dad knew the outcome himself everything changed. Let’s talk about a man who had so much faith. I wonder if he felt the way I did when my sister died as he knew his days and hours were numbered. My dad was pretty sure he would beat his cancer even when he was on his last few weeks. Some a very quick to call it denial, I call it radical faith. A faith that you believe beyond your head knowledge and you put everything into Jesus, His healing and you think with your heart, not your head.
I have been told I am in a season and it is okay to feel like being under the radar so to speak. I know that my head knowledge has taken over and my heart is deeply wounded. My heart is where all of my radical faith lies. I don’t know how to uncover it again or if it is even time to uncover it. My head knowledge knows that these outcomes happen. How many people have lost loved ones and are in the same place I am, our family is. There is still one thing that my heart sees, it sees the identical pain in others and my heart is drawn to them. I am more sensitive then I have ever been and I am more careful with my words, thoughts and relationships than ever before. But I am still stuck in pause mode, unable to do much more then raise my kids and keep my house from falling apart. I can’t believe it will be a year tomorrow. What have I done in all this time? Where has the time gone? My sister’s room is still the same…my mom still can’t sleep in her bed or even her own room. Why does it feel like it just happened?
DeAnna
to visit my blog and see more of my journey visit http://whiteheadmarshall.blogspot.com/ My blog is updated more often then Words of Whit.
No comments:
Post a Comment