Flying Under the Radar

Insomnia becomes me right now. For some reason over the last week I have been plagued with little to no sleep. Part of this is from being so sick and the other part is the eagerness to hit this year mark. Not that hitting a anniversary is something I want, but the closer you get to it the more you want it to go away and be done and over with.

It is hard not to live around the dates. The dates have defined me this year and to be honest since I lost my Dad. Adding in another anniversary is a challenge, but the hardest part is this event was 22 days long, so there is an anniversary for almost a month. Milestones and memories shared within that time. I can still remember what was happening on specific days…no thanks or thanks to this blog. I am glad I have this to look back on, but man is it a constant reminder of how different the outcome was.

I had a conversation with a friend who has experienced her own grief and loss. A tragedy alike in many ways. We both can relate to the deep pain of losing someone as well as losing someone after a time of waiting. A hospital stint and loved ones and a community praying that our loved ones would be healed and walk away from this event. The conversation my friend and I shared had a lot to do with being let down. Like someone popping your balloon…but that someone was God. We both can agree we love the Lord, we trust in Him and know that His love endures forever. We aren’t second guessing God’s will in all of it. We both can relate to how much faith we both had and were so faithful to believe that the healing of our loved ones would come in the form of them living and showing the world that God heals, miracles happen and they would both walk away as if nothing happened. I am imagining the biggest balloon with the loudest bang right now and the trail and deflated balloon lying at my feet. That feeling stays with me, with her as well.

I feel like I am almost too afraid to step out and have that much faith again. I want to fly under the radar for a while as if I can control life events and the will of God and the outcome of all of my loved ones. As if my faith had something to do with the events that took place. I know that sounds insane, but I can’t help but feel like I never want to feel that much pain again. The pain of losing Whitney was very hard, but the pain of my prayers not being answered the way I wanted and everything I put into her healing here on earth was such a bigger loss and a deeper pain then I can describe.

I came to know Christ as a child, but rededicated my life to him when I was in 8^th grade. Then our church hired a new youth pastor and for the next 4 years this husband and wife opened my eyes to a faith I had never seen and I had seen God like never before. I went to a very quiet Baptist church growing up and the ratio of young and old wasn’t equal, most of the church consisted of older people and church was a Sunday, Wednesday night thing. It never reached much past those walls, until I rededicated my life to Christ and had dedicated followers showing me a faith I had never seen before. I become so radical in my faith, witnessing and making it more about the whole week, rather than a Sunday and Wednesday thing. It changed my life. I continued to grow through out those years and then moved to a different church, a church focused on outreach, went on many mission trips, taught children, led worship…this went on for years and years, well into my family years.

I gave up serving in Ministry when my dad was diagnosed with cancer. I had been a Women’s Ministry Director and was highly involved in the church and in outreach. It was my life. Being hit with this reality and being pregnant at the time with Eli made it difficult to be committed to the ministry. We knew it was only God’s timing, due to some other events happening at the same time in this church, so it was a good Segway.

The next year was hard, but I grew close with my dad. We would visit him on Thursdays and Sundays so he had time to be with his grand kids. I also helped Whitney who had become like a caregiver to him during those last months when Mom was at work. She had been out of school, just graduated. I would do whatever my dad asked and as OCD as he was he knew I would make that sandwich exactly the way he wanted. Because we were there so often the progression of his illness didn’t become noticeable until about 2 months before he passed and then it was like he faded within a couple weeks. I don’t really know why I am saying all of this. What I am leading up to is that his death wasn’t a shock, I knew where he was going, there was a point where my prayers for his miraculous healing stopped, rather shifted to prayers for a painless departure and that he was at peace. I prayed that he would have closure where he needed it before he died. Once my dad knew the outcome himself everything changed. Let’s talk about a man who had so much faith. I wonder if he felt the way I did when my sister died as he knew his days and hours were numbered. My dad was pretty sure he would beat his cancer even when he was on his last few weeks. Some a very quick to call it denial, I call it radical faith. A faith that you believe beyond your head knowledge and you put everything into Jesus, His healing and you think with your heart, not your head.

I have been told I am in a season and it is okay to feel like being under the radar so to speak. I know that my head knowledge has taken over and my heart is deeply wounded. My heart is where all of my radical faith lies. I don’t know how to uncover it again or if it is even time to uncover it. My head knowledge knows that these outcomes happen. How many people have lost loved ones and are in the same place I am, our family is. There is still one thing that my heart sees, it sees the identical pain in others and my heart is drawn to them. I am more sensitive then I have ever been and I am more careful with my words, thoughts and relationships than ever before. But I am still stuck in pause mode, unable to do much more then raise my kids and keep my house from falling apart. I can’t believe it will be a year tomorrow. What have I done in all this time? Where has the time gone? My sister’s room is still the same…my mom still can’t sleep in her bed or even her own room. Why does it feel like it just happened?

DeAnna

to visit my blog and see more of my journey visit http://whiteheadmarshall.blogspot.com/ My blog is updated more often then Words of Whit.

Be Back Later

For those of you interested in continuing to read my blog and updates on my journey, I have started my own blog here http://whiteheadmarshall.blogspot.com I feel like Words of Whit started for Whitney and was our voice as a family during her hospitalization and then it was our voice when she passed away and the brutal reality as we lost our daughter and beloved sister. The pain and sadness is still very real and we are all very much in grief over her death, but each one of us has our own journey. What was once one voice has now evolved into many voices. I will post on Words of Whit as we feel led to share with you as we journey through this as a family. I welcome you to follow my blog at the above blogspot.

Be Back Later,
Whit's Sisters

Love and Thanks

Yesterday I filled my lap with over 200+ cards given to our family over the course of the last month. I hadn't made the time to read all of them yet and yesterday I did...

In the last month the pain and heartache have made it overwhelming to do anything, even shower, get the mail and tend to our houses. I know that depression and grief take over your body with a weight that is so heavy you feel like you are carrying bricks on your back, feet, legs and arms. Emotional loss takes a toll on you physically period.

My mom didn't know how she would write all the thank-yous to many people for contributing to Whitney's Medical Expenses account. We would like to take the time to thank everyone personally, but it is a task in itself to even speak to people and form words, let alone writing a heartfelt thanks to each one of you for your generosity. But eventually we will get there and we so appreciate the kindness shown to our family in this deep deep loss.

The common thread between every sympathy card we received was simply put..."there are no words for this deep loss, I am so sorry" Those are the most simple and well received words, because that is how we all feel.

Our family is in a time of healing and we are very thankful for the continued prayers for our family. We take one day at a time. Some days I choose to wear make-up and it stays on all day, no gut wrenching tears that day...then other days, it comes like a blow to the gut and we are sobbing for hours and I resemble Tammy Fay Baker!

We want all of you to know we are so grateful for your love, support, kind words and generosity shown to us. It is overwhelming to receive all of it. We thank you for the bottom of our hearts. Many Blessings to all of you.

With Love,
Whit's Sisters

Thinking of Heaven

1  Peter 1:3-5 (The Message)

A New Life

 ^3-5What a God we have! And how fortunate we are to have him, this Father of our Master Jesus! Because Jesus was raised from the dead, we've been given a brand-new life and have everything to live for, including a future in heaven—and the future starts now! God is keeping careful watch over us and the future. The Day is coming when you'll have it all—life healed and whole.

 

Today as it marks a month since Whitney has been taken to be with Jesus, I fill my thoughts and energy in being reminded of her resting place. We all miss her and are still very much sad, heart brokenly sad, there isn't a day that goes by that we don't mourn. I find myself wanting and desiring to know all there is to know about her home now, I know and have heard many wonderful things about heaven and I know that is where I will go when I leave this earth, but Whitney's death has definitely made me crave that knowledge even more.

 

When our Dad died, it was different, we still miss him, we still wish he was here, but he had lived a life and in his life he had experienced many things. He had a wife, our mom for nearly 33 years and 4 kids and 4 grand kids at the time. We had time to tell him what we wanted to tell him, to live the last days to the fullest. Whitney was so young and we all had our own ideas as well as herself of what her future held. Those life goals have been changed, erased from our futures, that is a hard reality to let go of.

 

Her giggle is fading from my memory, I try so very hard to hear it, but it is so quiet. I still see her and her smile sitting on the couch, holding and feeding one of the twins. The image I carry is precious to me as well as this powerful memory. The day after my sister had passed in the early morning on April 4th between 6 am- 6:30 am, with a night of no rest, I closed my eyes. I saw the hospital room where Whitney had been for 24 days. The room was really empty, there wasn't any machines or doctors or nurses. Aadam my husband was sitting in the corner, his head was down, I assumed he was praying. To the back of me there was a nurse with long grey hair, she was wearing blue scrubs and going through some orders. I was standing with Whitney, she was on a chair, a hospital reclining chair in place of where her bed was...She was wearing a blue shirt, her favorite shirt and the favorite color of blue she loved. I was helping her put her grey hoodie sweatshirt on. These details are very important to me in sharing this experience with all of you. I had Whitney's hoodie in my hands and was helping her put her arm into the sleeve. I had said to her "Whitney you know where you are going, right?", Whitney looked away, I could see some tears and sadness in her eyes, but I could see it was because of my pain. She shook her head, I didn't really give her time to respond before I said " You are going to be with Jesus and Daddy!", She smiled and then we hugged, a big and long hug. Whitney said, "mmmm, you smell good" and then she reached out to bite me! (if you know Whitney well, you know she was goofy like that, I was so yummy smelling that she wanted to taste it) I looked at her and smiled, tears rolling down my face and I said " I love you Whitney" and then again, " I love you Whitney" and then my eyes opened. I thought about the vision and Whitney was gorgeous, she had beautifully done hair...flat ironed, her skin was flawless, as if she was wearing make-up, but wasn't. She was smaller in size and her face was glowing. This image, this interaction is very real to me, a gift from God. When Whitney left this earth I was standing at her bedside and these words were the words I used as she took her last breaths. God gave me a gift, I am so overjoyed to have that. I can look back at that and feel I had a final goodbye, until we see each other again moment. I called my mom that morning and told her every single detail and my mom said to me "That is what Whitney wore to the hospital when she came in!" I gasped, I hadn't seen Whitney as she was brought in or any of her belongings the entire time she was there. I ran out to my car, because everything we had accumulated at the hospital was still in there and I ripped open the bag and saw a grey hoodie and a blue shirt, the blue shirt I had seen her in. God gave me another gift and a message saying, yes it is for real! You weren't dreaming! I love Him for that!

 

I share this part of our journey, a intimate moment I had with my sister because it to me shows me how gracious and loving our God is. As I live in many moments with Christ and He walking right by my side, I feel like I have to share this with everyone. I want everyone to know God's love and the hope I have in Him. Whitney did die early to us, but she was right on time to Him. Whitney will forever be in our hearts and a treasured sister, daughter and friend. We miss her and we will continue to go about the lives God has planned for us. I will do what He asks of me and follow Him no matter what. Because more then anything I know our God is real, He is alive and in us...every day, every hour, every minute and every second.

 

I will still cry, because I don't know how not to, but one day the tears will be all about our reunion in heaven as opposed to our loss here on earth.

 

With eager hearts,

Whit' Sisters

Mercy Seat

The words mercy seat were ringing in my ears today. I googled those words and found one of my favorite songs Revelation Song---by Kari Lobe…I really meditated on the words and tried to focus my brain and hear what God is telling me. I continued to study and define what a mercy seat is---many definitions are out there, these stuck out to me the most---throne of God, resting place of God, blood sprinkled throne, Holy of Hollies, throne of grace and place of atonement.

These days continue to be very difficult and I find myself praying, meditating and seeking God in every aspect of everything I do. I can so see His glory in all of this. The pain is still deep and really stings, but the more I lean on Jesus and lay at the mercy seat, I am getting through each day.

As I sat listening to the lyrics of Revelation Song, I pictured myself singing to our Lord Jesus with my sister, she is right there singing praises to our king, the Lord of Lords. Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty!

I spoke over and over again all day about knowing the freedom, love and happiness Whitney is feeling right now. I know that she isn’t missing out on anything, we are missing her and feeling like she will miss out. She is having the time of her life, her life eternally in Heaven and with Jesus and many loved ones and I am filled with tears of joy for her.

In my human instinct I feel so very sad that we have another loved one gone, away from us and dealing with the reality and pain everyday is absolutely the hardest thing I have ever done. The hugs to my children who either understand in a very small way or not at all and helping them get through that grief is by far another hard part of this reality.

I pray and continue to ask God to show me the next step, the way to get through this day and I continue to love God, sing praises to Him and through Him I am getting through these days.

We all are grieving in our own way, but alike we are all leaning on Christ. As I know you will, continue to lift our family in prayer and keep us close to your heart as we continue to get through each day.

With much love,

Whit’s Sisters

“There rested upon the ark this solid plate of gold which was called the mercy seat. It is mentioned twenty-three times in the Old Testament, and in the New Testament it is taken up as referring to the Lord Jesus. It is so set forth in the Letter to the Hebrews. The mercy seat on the ark of the Old Testament is one other aspect of the glory and greatness of the Lord Jesus Christ.”

“…so that in the person of the high priest all the people of God were present, and there, at the mercy seat, God spoke and made Himself known to His people.”

“For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 8:33-35, 37-39).”

“That is the mercy-seat, the steadfast love of God for His own. That is the greatness and glory of Jesus Christ; and surely we can speak of that as grace and glory. That is what Jesus Christ has been made unto us.”

"God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son", and God has set Him forth as a mercy seat. We shall never exhaust the wonderful fullness of this mercy seat! We find all the patience and the long-suffering and the forbearance of God in the Lord Jesus Christ.”

Whitney's Obituary

Whitney Taylor Jade Whitehead age 22, was taken to be with her Lord and Savior Jesus on April 3rd, 2011. Whitney had H1N1 and pneumonia and had spent 24 fighting days in ICU, until she could no longer fight the complications of this horrible sickness. Whitney was born on August 17th, 1988. She was a very special baby and such a blessing to her parents and sisters as well as countless family and friends. Whitney loved so much. She had a contagious giggle and was a very loving person. Whitney was a Nanny for Stefanie, her sister and she was in school, studying medical transcription, she was so close to finishing her degree. She will be deeply deeply missed. She is proceeded in death by her father, Scott Whitehead and survived by her mother Tracy Whitehead and her sisters---DeAnna (Aadam) Marshall, Stefanie Whitehead and Maddie Whitehead as well as her best friend who meant so much to her Katie Parker and her nieces and nephews, Rylee, Baylee, Corbin, Eli, Frankie, Isabelle and Presley and countless relatives. Whitney’s Celebration of Life service will be held on Thursday, April 14th at 1:00 pm at Bellingham CTK, 4173 Meridian Street in Bellingham, WA. In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to Whitney Whitehead donation account at any WECU, this account was created to cover her medical expenses. We thank you all for your loving words and constant prayers during this time.

Walk by faith, not by sight

Taking one day at a time...looking over the last few weeks, thinking about heaven and the joy Whitney feels and how happy she is in a place where she is healed and in the arms of Jesus. Everything is still very raw, this is still extremely hard. I lean more on Christ then I ever have in my entire life. We all are.

I went back to March 11th in the devotional Jesus Calling to see what was said on that day...a day we may have not understood what was about to happen and where our journey would take us in the very long days we went through while our Whitney was in ICU and then the weeks to come.

March 11th...Jesus Calling---WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT. As you take steps of faith, depending on Me, I will show you how much I can do for you. If you live your life too safely, you will never know the thrill of seeing Me work through you. When I gave you My Spirit, I empowered you to live beyond your natural ability and strength. That's why it is so wrong to measure your energy level against the challenges ahead of you. The issue is not your strength but mine, which is limitless. By walking close to Me, you can accomplish My purposes in My strength.

Our journey isn't even close to being over and wont be over until we are home with Jesus and where Whitney is...and then wow, that is really just the beginning...years ago when I had faced some medical trauma, I had been on a healing road myself, questioned the whys and for what reason's...I had read a book a friend had given me...in the words written, it had talked about the small amount of time we are really here on Earth and how much it is a dot a literal dot of time...and eternity is our heavenly home and even though I remained here on Earth and my journey still continues, I find comfort in knowing there is a place, our real home...and someday and someday soon I will see my sister, my dad and the many loved ones who went home before us.

This reality doesn't take away from the pain and grief we are all facing now and for however long, but there is so much more hope in our journey on Earth and forever more. Whitney will be forever in our hearts, always missed. We can also rejoice in her life eternal with Jesus and we will be joining her sometime soon.

Your loving prayers and Jesus' love are what is getting us through each day we are facing.

Our hearts still remain heavy, but hopeful at the same time.

Whit's Sisters